Everything seems tied to self-validation. Whatever validation for yourself that you were unable to get from your parents or primary caretakers… it seems you recreate similar situations, always TRYING to get that same validation. Of course, the Catch-22 is that you won’t get it from anyone OUT THERE until YOU give it to YOURSELF.

I’ve been observing a lot of email lists lately and my current perspective shows me how most flame wars or arguments or that ilk (which I have certainly participated in in the past, in one form or another) is born of needing to feel that who you are is OKAY. The problem is that most of the time it looks completely different on the surface – people arguing about philosophical points, for instance. It’s never REALLY about the point itself, but about the NEED to feel vindicated or justified. What I’ve learned is that there is CHOICE, but there is no justification for ANYTHING, whether it’s hate-related OR love-related. “Reasons” are just us gathering proof for our egos to be able to accept our choices.

On an email list, I once argued until I was blue in the face with an author – I saw this person as an authority, and tried in vain to get her to even SEE my point, much less AGREE with it. No matter what, she could NOT see my point. It was then that I realized what I was doing – I was looking for her to validate me. I had expected HER to be able to see what I was saying because she had written a book that was similar in topic. (I’d stop expecting my family to understand me in this area a long time ago, which is fine – they are themselves and understand things *I* don’t. – LOL) Finally, I realized that it was time that I accept and support myself and what *I* believed was true. Period. That that was what I really wanted all along. What a freeing realization!

After the realization, I started to get a peek at the arena beyond the incessant co-dependent back and forth of vain attempts at self-validation through others. It’s very peaceful there, inside. You just give yourself what you need, and that reality then gets reflected all around you. I’m still getting used to it here, and retraining myself to remember to self-validate when I discover a previously hidden ‘trigger’, but I HIGHLY recommend it. 🙂

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